


I Live a Lonely Life (Without You)

by ThCllslNrd



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam is doing his best to show his support, Comfort, Cuddling, Fluff, I also made a dream creature cause why not??, M/M, Opal (a Raven Cycle Story), Post-The Raven King, Pre-Call Down the Hawk, Ronan has a nightmare, and it doesn't really bother him but it kinda does, thought it was a cute idea lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:40:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25982233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThCllslNrd/pseuds/ThCllslNrd
Summary: On a late night at the Lynch barns, Ronan has a nightmare. He does his best to try and leave Adam Parrish out of the mess that is his dreams and nightmares, but it's hard to do when they're brought out with a mind of their own.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 2
Kudos: 63





	I Live a Lonely Life (Without You)

**Author's Note:**

> So...I listened to all of The Raven Cycle + Opal in a week and I'm currently listening to Call Down The Hawk, so I set this up between Ronan and Adam during a night at the barns.  
> I've been getting hella feelings about these two so of course I took a break to write something for them lol   
> Also for a fun thing I came up with about Ronan's dream creature, check the end notes!  
> (Title is lyrics from In Dreams by Ben Howard)

Ronan, as always, was frozen still when he woke up. His consciousness up and out of his body, _floating_ somewhere above him, and he couldn't sink into himself to move, sit up, or rollover. This meant, as always, that he brought something _back_ from his dreams. 

That wasn't  _ good _ news tonight. Sometimes his dreams were simple, causing him to bring back small plants, little toys, or feathers from a creature only  _ he _ knew existed. Other times things were  _ not so _ simple, like the orange Camaros he dreamt for Gansey, the cattle in the long barns outside, and without question Opal, who was sleeping in her favorite spot under the coffee table downstairs. Then there were things impossibly out of this world, the whole creature that the feathers  _ came _ from or something magically functioning, running without batteries or electricity even when the standard model demanded it. Tonight was a night for strange animals or terrifying realities. 

Ronan, despite his best prayers and hopes, had a  _ nightmare _ . After years and years of dreaming somehow nightmares never got easier. They got easier to  _ handle _ , whatever he brought back was no issue to catch or  _ kill  _ depending on size, but the humming of the blood rushing through him when he woke up always lingered. He had all the symptoms now: thudding heart, cotton-filled head, buzzing fingertips, hollow stomach, floating consciousness. He was silently trying to pull all his shit together now, looking around the room for his nightmare creature because thank  _ fuck _ , at least the eyeballs in his skull worked the way they were made to.

Ronan was cursing himself as soon as he saw it. It was normal at first, but the more he looked the  _ worse _ it grew. It had started out being a fluffy grey cat. With the room dim with moonlight alone it could've been  _ just _ a cat, but it was walking over his stomach and chest, which made the dream all the more visible. The cat had  _ spider _ eyes, four shiny orbs divided across its face by size. It had much longer,  _ sharper _ teeth and claws than normal too, the teeth sticking out of its mouth and the claws tickling his chest when it eventually started walking. He didn't notice the long snake tongue it had tucked away until it started  _ licking _ at his chest. Despite it being wet the goddamn thing was  _ sandpaper _ against him. 

He tried moving now, flexing his fingers and toes to get no response.  _ Fuck _ . Ronan watched as the cat did its thing as if he had any other option right now. It licked him for a tad longer, then used a front paw to pat at him, trying to get his attention. Luckily it didn't use claws but because he couldn't give the spider-cat-creature a reaction, it went  _ elsewhere _ for attention. Again, despite Ronan’s hopes, the dream didn't try to mess with Chainsaw in her cage by the window or wander downstairs to wake Opal under the coffee table, but it tiptoed over to its left. To Adam Parrish.

Adam had been staying with Ronan at the barns since some time after his graduation, spending his gap year in Henrietta with him before sending his smart ass off to some fancy college. He was  _ still _ working that smart ass off at the garage,  _ shift _ after  _ shift _ , but he made time for his boyfriend and Opal and the barns when he  _ wasn't _ working or stressing about college. That was the main reason he went to bed not wanting a nightmare, not wanting to dream  _ at all _ . He could deal with his nightmares alone. The locked body before he could eventually get a hold of his nightmare and do whatever he needed to do with it, that wasn't  _ hard _ . It wasn't harder to  _ accomplish _ with Adam next to him in the bed either, however it was harder to make sure the nightmare didn't get its hands, claws, paws, beak all over the blond  _ before  _ he could handle it. In a way that just rubbed it in Ronan's face that he  _ didn't _ have full  _ control _ of his own head most of the time. 

That's why he was so urgently  _ trying _ to come back to his body, to get a finger or a toe move so he could stop the spider-cat-creature from crawling all over the other or do  _ any _ sort of harm. It seemed quite peaceful,  _ too _ peaceful right now, but Ronan was the one who saw it in his nightmare, knew what things it was  _ hiding _ in that tiny body. Right now it seemed like a normal house cat though. The dream started to gently pat at Adam's arm, the one parallel his chest to keep a hand under his head. He didn't even budge or stir from the soft touches. That only made the thing try  _ harder _ , use both paws to knead into his arm instead of the one, before starting to walk on him. It was a stumbling little thing, trying to get up his arm and making its way to his side.

Fuck, fuck, _ fuck _ . The  _ last _ goddamn thing he wanted to do was  _ wake _ Adam, knowing the time to sleep between all the work he takes care of and being with Opal and him was limited. Half the time he had to  _ convince _ his stubborn ass to sleep, could hear his voice in his head now trying to stall them from drifting off. ‘One more episode’ or ‘one more game’, and sometimes the occasional ‘another walk through the barns?’. He wasn’t even sure if Adam did it on  _ purpose _ most of the time. Ronan kept watching the spider-cat-creature start climbing and exploring the area around Adam, the sharp claws on its paws  _ existing _ but not doing any  _ damage _ to him, thank Mary and Joseph. He stirred against the dream's touch and he could’ve sworn it was over for keeping Adam asleep, but he only shifted his position a little. He was leaning more towards his boyfriend now and the dreamer in question could’ve been  _ smiling _ at the sight if he wasn’t worried about the nightmare creature examining the bed.

Ronan tried for the third time to move something,  _ anything _ of his body in the bed. He took a breath and tried wiggling his toes or rolling his ankles to no success.  _ Fuck _ . He gave it another second before he could  _ finally _ get his fingers to work, had formed one hand into a fist while every other moving feeling quickly came back to him. He sat up swiftly in bed, the blanket sliding off his bare chest and the nightmare creature turning its head to the sudden movement. The action in the still room made it turn its head up and click its teeth at Ronan, but all around he took that as a win since Adam Parrish was  _ asleep _ to his right.

He huffed, grabbing the dream like he would any other house cat and lifting it off his boyfriend. He slid out of bed silently, or as best as allowed with the creaky floorboards under feet, and the spider-cat-creature  _ purred _ while sliding itself around Ronan’s neck. The creature was astonishingly more  _ tame _ and  _ calm _ than it was in his head a few minutes before, not spitting venom or loudly shaking its rattlesnake tail to threaten and assert itself, but he wasn’t entirely  _ complaining _ either. If it wasn’t threatening or attacking him, the process of moving it out of the room effortless.

“Come one, fucking cat, spider... _ whatever _ , I wanna go back to  _ bed _ ,” He hissed at the thing, closing the bedroom door behind him so the creaky wooden stairs he walked down next didn’t wake the sleeping mechanic. 

The floor was cold under his bare skin but all he could let himself focus on now was the way the nightmare  _ purred _ , sending the pleasured feeling from his neck down to his spine and into his fingertips. It was a nice feeling until you remembered the thing had  _ four _ eyes and  _ venom _ behind its teeth. When Ronan got into the kitchen and to the back door he carelessly slipped out, not bothered that he was  _ only _ in a pair of boxers from being comfortably asleep not so long ago. When he reached back and pulled the cat off the curve of his neck he was surprised at how  _ calm _ and  _ willing _ it was still. He set it down on the grass as it let out a loud meow, which yet again was a surprise. In his head the little shit was speaking Latin, which even if it wasn’t English it was still a  _ human _ fucking language that cats shouldn’t have the  _ skills _ to communicate with. Then again Opla had  _ hooves _ and  _ furry _ legs, so anything was possible if it was from his dreams.

“Alright, off you are, weird ass dream monster...have a  _ nice _ fucking life,” He said quietly, knowing this  _ wouldn’t _ be the last time he saw it. It’d probably wander around the barns or the surrounding forest but like all things he dreamed, they always stayed close. 

Some things Ronan didn’t  _ mind _ keeping around, like Chainsaw, Opal, the cattle in the barns that weren’t in a constant state of sleep, or even little knick knacks he took from dreaming about Adam or his childhood from time to time. But then there were the things that stayed at close range no matter  _ what _ he did, like the strange nightmare bird, hawk... _ thing, _ or now this little spider cat. He knew his living dream creatures could be called upon too once they had a name or title of sorts it got used to hearing, so he had no doubt the newest dream wouldn't wander  _ too _ far.

Ronan had to stand in the night for a moment before going back inside. He took a breath as he watched the cat walk away, looking around at the world while running his hands down his shaved head. The air smelled cleaner and  _ thinner  _ after the storm hours ago. It was pretty clear from the way the leaves shined and the grass soaked his feet, the rain colder than the barns’ hardwood floor. He always liked that  _ smell _ , closing his eyes and letting it flow through his lungs for a while. He had no idea how long he was outside for but it didn’t seem long, stepping back inside and wiping the rain, dirt, and grass bits off his feet before creaking back up the stairs.

When he opened the bedroom doors he didn’t expect to see Adam  _ awake _ . He was still laying somewhat, on his back with his legs still stretched in front of him, but his middle was leaned up from resting his weight on his elbows. His head sat back on the headboard above his pillow but Ronan could tell in the moonlit room his eyes were open. He had this expression of relief but  _ also _ curiosity, already clear of the situation but interested in more detail. 

“Fuck,” Ronan cursed in the doorway. 

So much for this being a winning night of interrupted sleep for Adam.

“Nightmare?” 

“Yeah, I took care of it, Parrish.”

“What’d you bring back?” Adam asked, his drawn Henrietta accent always a little clearer when he wasn’t all that awake. 

“I don’t know what the fuck to  _ call _ it. Do I have to keep talking about the damn thing?”

Adam gave a little smile and shook his head, his way of inviting,  _ asking _ Ronan to come back to bed with him. He didn’t need to be asked twice, Ronan making his way back under the covers and next to the other in  _ no _ time at all. Once his boyfriends head slid back down onto his pillow he leaned into his side, resting his ear against his chest to feel the racing beating of his heart.

“How long have you been up?”

“Not sure?” Adam said honestly, “Was kinda ‘wake when ya slipped outta bed. I was gonna come outside and check if you were okay if you were out much longer, though.”

“Shit.” 

“It’s fine. I knew it wasn’t you messin’ with my arm, or Opal either. Too  _ small _ to be you two and too  _ big _ to be Chainsaw.”

Ronan just nodded against his chest, decided silence was better than trying to  _ think _ about the cat again. The worst thing he could do right now is fall back asleep thinking about it and dream back a  _ second _ one.

Adam knew how to lay himself once he knew the dreamer had a nightmare, the position of comfort already a routine bit for them. He wrapped one arm around Ronan’s shoulder and the other laid out somewhere on his other side as his fingertips started exploring. They started in his buzzed hair, making little circles and starting to reach the outline around his ear, then eventually reaching down to the fade against his neck. He slowly worked down from there as thin fingers followed the muscles down his neck and shoulder. They stayed there for a while before tracing what he could see of his tattoo spreading all over his back. The curls of leaves, vines, and feathers that  _ melted _ into his skin got easier to redraw the more he traced.

Ronan shivered at the initial touch of the other’s fingers on his head but shortly after relaxed into him. He’d always had a  _ thing _ for Adam’s hands, as  _ coarse _ and  _ dry _ as they were, constantly working on car parts or psychic cards. There was never a moment where he  _ didn’t _ wanna touch them, would hold his boyfriend’s hand over the gearshift of his BMW, or trace a set of fingers that laid on the counter or the bed. He liked the way they fit in his own when they walked around the barns or how they held the outside of his thighs on late and sleepless nights. He didn’t have much nail to work with but his fingertips were  _ calloused _ and rough enough to do the same job.

Even though he had nothing  _ against _ the feeling, he could tell how dry Adam’s hands were while they traced the ink sealed into his skin. He reached out to the hand that was previously on his stomach to grab his boyfriend's still hand. He examined it as best as he could in the dark before pressing a soft kiss to the center of his palm, lacing their fingers together and dropping them both to the spot on Adam's stomach again.

“Are you using that hand cream I dreamt up for you?” 

There was a  _ long _ silence before either of them spoke again. Ronan knew the other was still awake, the fingers on his back still giving him goosebumps from their trail.

“ _ Yeah _ .” Adam finally said, nodding his head a tiny bit.

“Are you using it  _ often _ ?”   
  
Another moment of silence. 

“ _ No _ .”

“It’s not gonna keep your fucking hands from drying out if you don’t actually  _ use _ the damn cream, Parrish. Your  _ shitty _ hands are gonna be all dried up and  _ cracked _ if you don’t use it at least a  _ few _ times a week.” Adam laughed softly at that, knowing Ronan calling his hands shitty meant the exact  _ opposite _ of what he truly thought.

“You’re gonna have to remind me to use it most days.” 

“I’ll  _ do _ that then.” Ronan nodded against his chest, causing him to move the fingers tracing his tattoo back to his buzzed hair.

He couldn’t help but think about how he should remind Adam about  _ more _ things than the hand cream. Ronan knew it was probably an old habits thing, or maybe he didn’t know he had  _ room _ to let go of some stuff now, like constantly moving or doing something to keep his ass busy, or eating as  _ little _ as a fucking chocolate bar and sweet tea on his lunch break at the garage. Sometimes it took him some convincing to stay in bed and watch a movie or to let him put off a chore like dishes or laundry. Adam has been constantly  _ working _ and  _ moving _ for as long as he’s known him, low on sleep but high on productivity, so maybe he should work on trying to help him  _ even _ the scales, get him to take a damn  _ break _ and rest his feet.

They were quiet for the rest of the night after that, the two of them laying together in comfortable silence and understanding. Adam knew laying closer together after a nightmare helped Ronan clear his head, make him feel like he was more  _ human _ than dream, and Ronan knew that's the exact thing he needed right about now. The magician’s heartbeat pounding through him, his calloused hands running over his skin, their breathing synced up at the same speed.

He always took in all the feelings before letting himself fall back to sleep. He let his thoughts bounce around in his head while staring off, eyes glued to the nearest wall, the ceiling, the blankets, or Adam. Tonight it was Adam’s  _ chest _ , slowly picking up on the thread pattern of the shirt and little stains as his eyes adjusted to the dark of the room. After looking for so long he couldn’t even tell if the shirt was actually Adams or  _ his _ , but he didn’t care either way.

A good half hour of laying there he was sure his boyfriend was asleep. One hand cupped the back of his head and the other was loose in his fingers, his heartbeat and breathing slower than when he first joined him in bed. Ronan pulled the hand out of his and wrapped his arm around him, cupping Adams' other side and hugging him  _ closer _ . 

“You’re so  _ good _ to me, Adam,” Ronan breathed, barely a whisper. He only broke the silence, hugged onto him, tangled their legs together, called him  _ Adam _ instead of one of a few nicknames since the other was back to sleep under his head. It was like he couldn’t do it while he was awake, a part of him he couldn’t show off to open eyes.

“Sometimes I can’t figure out if you’re real or something I fucking dreamt up for myself,” He finished after another moment, his voice almost eaten up by the darkness around him.

Adam  _ wasn’t _ asleep.

Sure, he’d stopped moving his fingers over Ronans’ tattoo, his heartbeat probably slowed from being still so long, and his eyes weren’t open, but he wasn't  _ asleep _ right now. He’d just been enjoying the comfortable silence with the other, knowing in the morning he’d have to be up and driving away from the barns a half-hour after he woke up. The short time of no sleep now was  _ so  _ worth the eye bags in the morning.

Adam silently thanked himself for staying awake at the feeling of the man cuddling closer to him. His head heavier on his chest and his arms tighter around him was the heat of the sun after being starved of the outside world for days on end. The  _ talking _ however was unexpected. 

At first Adam thought Ronan was already dreaming again, mumbling something to somebody or  _ something _ in his head. It wouldn’t be the  _ first _ time he said some weird shit in his sleep about his dream, but that wasn’t it this time. This time it was about  _ him _ , not necessarily to him  _ directly _ , more or less spoken to the space of the room. He wasn’t sure if he should say something to the dreamer or not. He was starting to think Ronan thought he was asleep, so it’s not like he said the words to gauge a reaction, but then he said the  _ second _ thing.

_ Sometimes I can’t figure out if you’re real or something I fucking dreamt up for myself. _

He knew how Ronan felt about dreamt  _ people _ . About his father dreaming their mother Aurora, about him dreaming his younger brother Matthew. After Neil Lynch was killed his mother eventually shut down in a sense, exactly like everything else he pulled from his dreams. Most of the cattle in the barns were sleeping and so were any other animals because their creator wasn’t  _ alive _ to keep them  _ running _ . They were able to put Aurora in Cabeswater to keep her awake, but that wouldn’t  _ do _ for everything. Adam had yet to hear it much but he knew how his boyfriend thought about it more than he let on, could tell from the kind of jokes he cracked or the way he worked so  _ passionately _ in the barns. Besides, it was rare enough on its own for Ronan to call him  _ Adam  _ instead of  _ Parrish _ or  _ Magician _ or some other pet name he’s thrown into conversation. He had to,  _ needed _ to say something now.

He opened his eyes and smiled down at his boyfriends still figure, the way he looked at presumably nothing with intense blue eyes. He started moving his fingertips up and down his neck, brushing into his shaved head some.

Ronan tilted his head quickly up at this, a tad panicked that his subconscious plan to get some thoughts out failed because his boyfriend was not asleep like he so surely thought earlier. He relaxed some at the sleepy smile on Adam’s face when he looked up and met his gaze. 

“I’m as real as it gets, Ronan Lynch,” he whispered, and even quiet his Henrietta accent holding a big place in the Irish boy's heart.

He looked to the other before shifting up against him, their eyes on the level as Ronan his head up, resting head to hand and elbow to a pillow. 

“You’re gonna have to remind me most days…” He said softly, as if Adam was actually asleep and he was purposely trying to  _ not _ wake him.

For an answer, Adam leaned up and closed the distance between them. Maybe it was the read of the room or how they were both not far from sleep, but their lips were soft against one another, barely touching at first. The longer they kissed the more they leaned into each and pulled for  _ more _ , Adam already having leverage with the hand on the back of his boyfriends’ head, the other sliding to the opposite side of his neck. Ronan did a similar thing, resting one hand down the clothed chest inches from his bare one while still supporting his head with the other.

They kissed like that for some time, holding each other close and not asking anything more but support, some sort of  _ anchor _ . Just by the way Adam kissed, Ronan could tell his boyfriend  _ understood _ his worries,  _ why _ he thought the things he did, and that he couldn't  _ help _ it at times. Even when he could tell himself he knew better than to believe that there was a nagging thought, a voice telling him he's wrong,  _ what if _ . 

Ronan eventually had to pull away, his lungs  _ burning _ for oxygen after being cut off for too long. It took a moment for his eyelids to open again while the blond moved the hand on the side of his neck up to cup his cheek gently, his thumb brushing his bottom lip. He took the silent moment to admire Adam: all the pokes and strands of his hair sitting awkwardly from the pillow, the freckles the summer sun brought out in his tan skin, the left eyebrow that grew a tiny bit higher than his right, the eye bags that complemented his skinny nose, even if sleeping more (like he needed to) would get rid of those. 

When there weren't any fingers tracing his mouth anymore Ronan leaned in one more time, planting a kiss to the magicians' lips. It was delicate and still but  _ long _ , letting it  _ grow _ before he pulled away. He was quick to lean his head down and lay his forehead in the crook of Adam's neck. He breathed easier when one hand rested on his upper arm and another worked on his skull, fingers tangling in curls that no longer existed. 

"I'll  _ do _ that then." Adam breathed out the repeated line after a quiet, longing moment. 

The two men fell to sleep quickly after that, no more talking or other things needing to be done. Ronan breathed the other in as he drifted off, his body getting heavier and more weighted with sleep, but Adam didn't give to  _ shits _ about that. 

In the upstairs bedroom of the Lynch barns, no more nightmares were seen that night.

**Author's Note:**

> So about the cat, I imagine Adam (and eventually Ronan) warms up to the "spider-cat-creature" as being an outside cat, and she eventually gets a few different names. Ronan keeps calling her spider-cat-creature, which then he sometimes shortens to spider-kitty, but then Adam hears it sometimes as spider-Lily (even though he knows that's not what Ronan's saying) her name just becomes Lily lol
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Here are other places to find me for different content!  
> Tumblr, Instagram, and Twitter: @ ThCllslNrd


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